Dinamo Catford - the backstory of a minor club

The history and past glories of a lower-league English club. (54675)

I have recently taken control of a minor English club. Very recently. Today will be my third official match. However, being something of a history buff, possibly due to having lived a fair chunk of it myself, I decided to research the background and back-story of the club I have been asked to lead to glory. Or, glorious defeat. The jury is still out on that one.

Well, the club was founded in season 15, as Kent & Canterbury FC, by the eccentric millionaire Guroo. Unfortunately, he was not suited to the life of a football manager, finding that it impinged on his preferred hobbies of fleecing the stock exchange and robbing pension funds, and selling his holding in the club after only a scant few weeks, passing the flaming torch of hope to one Vex Red, who did not disappoint by finishing a magnificent one from bottom in the lowest English league.

Similar successes, equally matched with early cup exits, continued under various short-term owners, excepting season 18 when a third place was recorded.

The new owners took fright at the genie they had released from the bottle, and season 19 saw the team shuffle through no less than three different owners, finishing up in a more respectable seventh place (again). A period of stability set in after this, as news of their potential spread, and the newly-named Raflec United, named after the old abandoned Raflec RAF base in South East London, remained in existence from season 21 through to 27, until an unfortunate misunderstanding, involving a Parliamentary Under Secretary, a stuffed mongoose, the highest-paid call girl in the South of England, and an unsavoury national Sunday newspaper headline, meant the team was forced to find a new owner. Raflec fans were deeply disappointed by this, as they had maintained the highest standards of football, consistently at the base of their series, apart from a single lapse in season 24, when a third place spot was somehow achieved.

A new rash of owners held the club steady during the fall-out from the mongoose incident, but none had the temerity to raise the club above fourth place in seasons 28-34, and they continued the club tradition of exiting all cups at the earliest possible juncture.

A new long-term project, rebranded as "New Costessey", under the leadership of the new manager, cspringall3, kept the club fans fed with the diet of glamour and high-quality football to which they had become accustomed during the 35th through 39th seasons (including dropping to the newly formed series VII.249 in season 38), but something went wrong in season 40 when cspringall3 left, for reasons never fully explained, and three managers quickly passed the reigns across to one another during that season, something not seen since season 19.

The Hattrick Football Association, however, decided that enough was enough, and despite managing a club standard fourth place finish, it was decided to give the club a bonus promotion. Not wanting to let this opportunity go to waste, they arranged for a takeover by Holt United for two seasons, and, naturally enough, achieved immediate relegation, much to the fans' relief, who had found the altitude of series VI to be too heady, many suffering from nosebleeds.

After this a new series of opportunistic purchasers took over the club, hoping to profit from their well-positioned ground in South East London, but neither Williams All Stars (seasons 43-47), nor Hook Youth (48-72), nor Bongoman FC (73-79) could galvanise the players, staff & fanbase to achieve beyond a steady diet of mid-table mediocity.

After Bongoman decided to leave the club for the more adrenaline-based pastime of international chess sponsorship, a new run of owners saw Mighty Phoenix achieve another third place finish, but, as in season 18, this proved to be erring a bit too cloose to too much excitement, and so they also decided to quit whilst at the top.

In an unfortunate period in the club's history, rather akin to the behind-the-scenes machinations at Wimbledon, the club was briefly linked with a move to the North, even being renamed BradfordPA, but fortunately, nothing came of this attempt to alter the club's proud history.

It was at this timely intersection in the club's history that yours truly, arrived, sacked the board and decided that I had an obligation to the club which I'd supported as a child. Renaming ourselves Dinamo Catford, emphasises our local roots, as we now (I am not quite sure how) find ourselves all but guaranteed a genuine, and automatic, promotion this season. I have no idea what the fans will think about this, but at least they can rest assured that it will probably only be a temporary thing.

For now at least, Dinamo Catford are a proper club, proud of their history as a grass roots football team; as tradition is what matters, nary the prawn sandwich brigaded world for those whom aspire to the HT Masters and such like.

Proudly wearing their famous pink and green strip (modeled on the strip of Dimwell Old Pals in the discworld novel Unseen Academicals), and an away strip in blue and white, breathlessly copied from our local footballing megastars at Millwall FC, everything was going according to plan until I made the schoolboy error of changing the record they ran out to, to the theme tune of Hawaii Five-0, thinking that it was a most inspiring tune.... It had no words, so fans could add their own, depending on whom we were playing. However, as an inner city club, with a fan base drawn largely from the South London docks area, I'd forgotten that our supporters lend themselves toward straightforward (let's say a basic) sense of humour, coupled with a splash of tourettes. We live and learn.

Two games played, and already the most successful manager in the club's history. Perhaps I too should quit while at the top?

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